guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
