any advancement on the stomach flu vs. pregnancy scare of '10?
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
