Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
