you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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