Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
well most of my day revolves around power hour
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Randomize
