i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
So much rum. So many feels.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
