All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
that john and kate plus 8 dude has ruined asians for me
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
Randomize
