Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
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