we had that weird still in bed morning after conversation. Her dad is the vp of my company.
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
dpoing straight shots of jhameson. boys are imp ressed. i apologize
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
