life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
Randomize
