a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
