i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Randomize
