No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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