In the future we'll all be gay
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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