Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
I am naked and annoyed.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
