got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
Randomize
