I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
Randomize
