i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
Randomize
