one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
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