Only a mothe r could love this liver
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
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