i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
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