Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
