I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
Randomize
