And my awkwardness continues. I felt the need to send him a text that said roar. I did it.
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
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