How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
I think I just saw someone hide a body.
UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
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