Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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