he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
