Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
Randomize
