the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
Green mimosas i think yes
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
Well the term Party is used loosely in this situation. Since it will just be mom wine drunk and us eating chips with multiple dips.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
