We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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