Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
tell me about the fingering
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