her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Randomize
