Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Randomize
