He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
She just used a chaser for red wine.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
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