Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
