Yo I charged a $20 breakfast to ur room, will pay u back in liquor and schoolgirl panties, thx again for a fun time
im officially scared..,i finally realized who my boyfriend reminds me of! spencer pratt
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
Randomize
