I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
like why cant he just admit that he still wants to fuck me even though im underage
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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