Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
