oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Randomize
