he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
