Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
Randomize
