i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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