You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
Randomize
