Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
