He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
Randomize
