A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Randomize
