I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Randomize
