i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
