I am at the point in my high where i now know/understand chinese.
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
