They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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