I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
