the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
Using 'equal to a modern day cock block" in term paper, inappropriate
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
